For a couple of seasons, die-hard "Idol" fans (myself included) have been begging for less William Hung and more Paris Bennett in the audition episodes. But after seeing glass worker Josh Jones score a golden ticket, I think I speak for many when I say, "We were wrong." Aside from the fact that the dude had to sing with his back to the judges so as not to distract them with his crazy "demonic" eyes, his Queen audition sounded a tiny bit too Tiny Tim for my taste. Watching mediocrity get rewarded made me frustrated for the talented people who made it on the show, and angry about the talented people who didn't make it on the show.
Joshua "J.P." Tjelmeland talked about sitting next to Carrie Underwood at "Idol" auditions three years ago the same way I talk about once riding on an airport escalator behind Tyra Banks. That is, in a really pathetic and quasi-creepy manner. Desperation was added to the mix when his deranged theater-geek interpretation of a Rascal Flatts song left Joshua begging for a second chance: "I really, really, really want this. I don't wanna do four years of school!" Turns out this kid is a music major, in singing no less. He never mentioned where he's going to college, which is good because that school would distance itself from J.P. like an "Idol" runner-up dodges pesky Internet hookup rumors. Speaking of Broadway, J.P.'s audition ended with a silly montage devoted to Paula Abdul's indecision. But anyone with a basic knowledge of musical theater knows that Paula's showtune theme isn't "I Can't Say No." It's anything from the second act of "Grey Gardens."
The "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" 50 Kleenex Trophy: Asia'h Epperson
Of all the sad stories we've heard on "Idol," I think Asia'h's "my dad died in a car crash two days ago, right after I told him I was coming to audition" takes the proverbial cake. Her brave rendition of "How Do I Live" was absolutely gut-wrenching, but avoided any Jim Verraros cheap sympathy schmaltz by showcasing a fantastic set of pipes that should keep her around through Hollywood week. That being said, I couldn't help but notice that the silent "h" at the end of her first name kept making cameo appearances in her singing, as the husky-voiced 18-year-old added a "hhhh" sound to almost every other word.
The Least Desirable Pageant Crown: Brooke Helvie
Brooke Helvie spent most of her preliminary interview boasting about her pageant experience, but once she gave us bullet points from her résumé as Miss South Florida Fair, I was far less impressed: "I kissed a pig, and I milked a cow and got kicked by him, oh, well, I guess it would be a her. Ha." This got me thinking. I wonder if there are any tranny cows out there. But also, what the hell kind of backwoods pageant prize package is that? (Although, I suppose Miss USA has to kiss swine too.)
The "I Think Nigel Lythgoe Is Spying on Me" Award: Eva Miller
For as long as I can remember, my wife has been amusing me with a hilarious mock "Idol" audition in which she attempts to sing "A Thousand Miles," Vanessa Carlton's ode to being a White Chick. She shouts the lyrics as quickly as possible, she awkwardly moves her body back and forth, and nine times out of 10, she falls on her ass. Imagine our shock (and dismay) when Eva Miller waltzed onscreen Tuesday night and copped my wife's shtick for all of America to see. Seriously, you guys. I spent a good hour checking my apartment for bugs.
The "Oh Dear God, One Jordin Sparks Is More Than Enough, Thank You Very Much" Honorary Mention: Alexandrea Lushinton
Alexandrea had a big voice, a big smile and a big entourage. She's been performing since she was barely out of kindergarten. And, as Randy pointed out, she's only 16! That could only mean one thing: There's another Jordin among us. Alexandrea, or Miz Alex as the showbiz veteran normally goes by, has a leg up on Sparks, however. In addition to a MySpace page overflowing with music (which isn't half bad, by the way), Miz Alex has the ultimate secret weapon: an adorable great-grandmother. When the 93-year-old granny referred to TV production as "taking pictures," she officially replaced Ruby Dee as my favorite sassy old bitty.
Proof That Simon Cowell Would Make a Killer Eighth-Grade Teacher: Nathan Hite
After squeezing out a chorus of Finger Eleven's "Paralyzer," eighth-grade repeater Nathan Hite was none too happy with Simon's "bedroom audition" critique. And Simon was none too happy with Nathan's "too cool for school" attitude. "Do you want to listen or do you want to be a smart-ass?" Face! I have a feeling that if Nathan's teachers adopted the Cowell Curriculum of Discipline, the 16-year-old middle-schooler would become a much better learner. By the end of the awkward and angsty audition, it was no shock that "Idol" left this child behind.
The Sundance Head "Early Fan Favorite Most Likely To Deliver a Red-Faced and Sweaty Moody Blues Disaster During the Semi-Finals" Commemorative Bobblehead: Amanda Overmyer
The rock 'n' roll nurse (who rides a Harley, duh) is too good to be true. While Paula called her the "female Chris Daughtry," I'm thinking she's more like last season's Sundance Head, who won over America with his offbeat looks and quirky story but eventually sank in the semifinals. Until her early elimination comes to fruition, however, I have a feeling we'll be hearing a lot of Janis Joplin. (You think longtime "Idol" sponsor Ford will put the kibosh on Amanda singing "Mercedes Benz"?)
Most Likely to Get Mocked by Kurt Loder: Josiah Leming
Seacrest promised "an emotional end" to Tuesday night's episode, but after Asia'h's touching audition early on, what could top that? Enter Josiah, the baby-faced homeless kid who lives in his car. Honestly, I had a hard time feeling for a young guy who just decided to pick up and leave his family on a whim (maybe that's why I've avoided "Into the Wild" like the plague). Josiah talked a lot about "going where the wind blows," but later promised the judges "more ambition and more motivation" than any other 18-year-old. Really? This coming from a high school dropout who lives in a van down by the river? (Yet still somehow maintains a MySpace page? Hmmm ...)
Which isn't to say I wasn't rooting for him. I actually quite liked Josiah's quivering singing voice. I think Simon and Randy's criticisms about him crooning in a fake British accent are totally unfair considering they never said a thing to Blake Lewis during last year's never-ending Moz impression. And the little we heard of Josiah's original song, "To Run," whet my appetite for more whiney-but-in-a-good-way young-love anthems. Who knows? If other homeless-people-turned-singer-songwriters are any indication, Josiah is destined to become a VH1 staple, write a book of poetry that Kurt Loder will hate, and then inexplicably release a dance album. I wonder if he'll yodel during Hollywood week.
Did you agree with Simon when he said that pageant queen Brooke Helvie was the most annoying person ever? Did anyone else notice that Paula's hairdresser wasn't her best friend Daniel who is always, always, ALWAYS with her? And will these audition episodes ever end? [Ed. note: Actually, yes. Wednesday's "Hollywood or Bust" show is the last audition show of the season.] Oh. Well, leave your comments anyway!
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